Fawning Part 1:The Hidden Cost of Being ‘Nice’
Why Fawning Isn’t Kindness—It’s a Survival Strategy
We often think of people-pleasing as a harmless quirk—a sign of kindness.
Being easygoing, flexible, helpful, accommodating.
But for many of us—especially those who grew up in environments where love or connection felt conditional—people-pleasing isn’t a personality trait.
It’s a nervous system response and it’s how we survived.
What Is Fawning?
Fawning is a lesser-known trauma response—and related to fight, flight, and freeze.
It’s what happens when your nervous system believes that being your full, authentic self isn’t safe. So instead, you become who others want you to be:
We smile when we’re uncomfortable.
We say yes when we want to say no.
We over-accommodate, over-function, over-perfect.
We anticipate others’ needs before they even ask.
We shape-shift to stay safe.
If we’re being really honest, on some conscious, subconscious, or unconscious level, we’re really saying to ourselves:
“If I please them, I’ll be safe.
If I make them happy, they’ll stay.
If I show them the right version of me, I’ll avoid rejection.”
The Hidden Message to Your Body
Here’s the problem:
Every time we override our needs to keep others comfortable, we send a message to our nervous system:
It’s not safe to be me.
And when that message becomes chronic, the body adapts by staying in a state of survival.
The Symptoms of Survival
This can look like:
Chronic stress & anxiety
Tension and tightness in the body
Digestive issues
Burnout and fatigue
Brain fog
Physical symptoms doctors can’t quite explain
Etc…
It’s important to remember that your body isn’t broken.
Instead, it’s responding to years of training that said: Authenticity equals danger.
Fawning creates a life that looks peaceful on the outside—but feels unsafe on the inside.
It’s Not Your Fault (But It and You Can Change)
You didn’t choose fawning. It was chosen for you—by circumstance, by family dynamics, by early life experiences.
It’s not a flaw. It’s a brilliant survival strategy.
But if you’re here now, chances are you’re ready to live in a different way.
One where your safety isn’t dependent on others’ approval. One where your body learns it’s safe to be fully you.
That starts with recognizing the pattern. Not shaming it. Not fixing it.
Just gently saying:
“I see you. And we don’t have to do it this way anymore.”
Coming Up in Part 2
In Part 2, we’ll explore a less obvious form of fawning that hides behind high-functioning self-reliance—what I call ultra-independence.
It looks like strength, but underneath, it’s often another way our nervous system avoids vulnerability and connection.
Want Support Unpacking This?
In my group membership, Create More Calm, we work with dysregulating patterns like fawning and ultra-independence to bring them into the light—gently, honestly, and with support. It’s a space to heal, reconnect with yourself, and find a more grounded and authentic way forward.